Good morning! My name is Alexander Hawthorn Nathaniel Beeker XVI. Just call me Alex.
I am here today to tell a love story - the story of Molly and Ben.
That's Ben over there. And that's his house. It was everything a bird could want...yet Ben was unhappy. He was alone.
He was also camera shy.
One snowy day he caught the eye of the lovely Molly, and he instantly fell in love.
Ben asked her to move into his house, but Molly was a lady of fine breeding, and told him that she would never consider living with him without the benefit of marriage.
"M...m...m...marriage!?" he faltered. "But...but, I'm not ready for that kind of commitment! Look, I'll refurnish the house just for you!"
But still she refused. "I'd rather freeze out here in the snow!" she sniffed, and she turned her back on him.
"I have berries..." he enticed her. "Chocolate covered berries..."
Ben mistook the fire in her eyes as passion for him, and proposed on the spot.
He swelled with pride at his prowess. "Who's the man? Who's the man?" he shouted into the darkening skies.
They were married immediately and Molly moved into the big house. They were very happy.
One day, with Ben out shopping for groceries and Molly visiting her mother, a cute little chick named Bonnie spied the big house and came calling. After knocking several times and finding no occupants, she laid claim to the house and moved in.
When Ben returned and dropped the groceries inside, he found Bonnie sprawled across his nest.
"Who are you?" he demanded, rather hysterically. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm Bonnie, and I'm just tweeting a few friends, inviting them over for a housewarming party," she said innocently.
I would have asked where she'd gotten the iPhone.
"Get out! Get out before my wife comes back!" Ben told her in panic.
"Get out?" Bonnie said. "But it's snowing again! And who made you ruler of the roost, anyway, huh? We women have rights now, you know!" And with that, she budged him aside and settled herself once again atop the soft nest inside. Try as he might, Ben could not convince Bonnie to leave.
When Molly returned and saw Ben in a house full of partying ladies, she flew into a jealous rage.
"I'll have the divorce papers drawn up tomorrow," she screeched, "and don't EVEN think you're getting this house!"
Despondent, Ben flew to his old nest in a cold crabapple tree.
But Molly was heartbroken and found that she couldn't sleep in an empty nest. Distraught, she donned her winter coat and slept outside on the snowy ledge.
Enter the villain, Snape.
(His parents named him before they'd finished reading the last Harry Potter book. They didn't know old Snape was decent in the end.)
This is my imitation of him. Pretty cool, huh?
Snape had been watching our little Molly during the night and had concocted a plan to take advantage of her newly broken heart and make her his own.
Oh, the angst! I simply could not stand by and allow this rogue to take Ben's grieving wife! But what could I do?
Quickly, I devised a plan to entrap Snape. As I lacked the necessary...attributes...to entice him, I enlisted the aid of a comely young lass named Sophia. "Can we talk?" I asked of her, and I outlined my scheme.
"I don't know," she fretted. "It sounds kind of...devious."
"I'll have to think it over..."
"Ummmm...what's in it for me?"
"I'M IN!" she said, eyes wide and beak gaping.
That was easy.
With Sophia on board, we laid our trap and waited for Snape to make his move.
"Good...good," I whispered silently from the sidelines. "Now! Give him that 'come hither' look!"
"Closer...closer..." I found myself whispering.
"Work it...work it..."
I waited until just the right moment, then gave the word: "Fly! Fly under the table now!
"Oh, I feel so cheap," Sophia rued.
(She got over it when Big Red swept her off her feet.)
But Snape took the bait! His beak was caught, and...well, Snape was...out of the picture, so to say.
And what happened then? Well, the rest, as they say, is history.
Bonnie took a shine to a tall, handsome stranger...
...and flew the coop to be with him.
Molly moved back into their home, and Ben came begging forgiveness. She tearfully relented....
...and they lived happily ever after.