Tuesday, March 15, 2011
NO BOYS ALLOWED!
Seriously, y'all, this is a story of experimentation best left to the imagination for any male readers out there. Sorry, guys, but y'all just don't have the stomach for this subject.
What am I talking about? Feminine products, that's what.
Are all the boys gone now? Good, we can get on with our story.
Y'all might remember that from roughly mid December till February I was sick off and on with severe kidney infections, flu, and bronchitis. And flu and bronchitis always leave that annoying deep hacking cough which just lingers on and on and on... Add kidney infections to that, factor in age 50+, and you've just concocted yourself a recipe for the dreaded...urinary incontinence.
I'm not talking about a little leak here and there; I'm talking about some major gushing. No puny little panty liner was gonna handle this, and I absolutely refused to buy a box of extra large Depends.
So I went with the obvious solution: maxi pads.
Now, y'all, I went through an early menopause, but I was sure I still had some of those pads...somewhere. Digging far back into the recesses of every bathroom cabinet and drawer, I found Tums, expiration date March 2003; a half-filled bottle of DayQuil, expiration date January 2008; a bag of cotton balls that exploded when I tugged at it; a McBride and the Ride bandana; a yellow Hot Wheels car, what I think was part of a Transformer, and a green roof slat from a set of Lincoln Logs; enough black and white buttons to make a good-sized mosaic cow; three unopened packs of Bic shavers and two of Q-Tips; my missing Carpenters' Christmas cassette tape; one Charlie Brown Christmas toe sock; dozens of Disney shampoos and hotel-sized soaps; and the instruction manual for a VCR that had died a slow, painful death about five years ago.
But no maxi pads. So off to Dollar General Store I went in my coat thrown over my pajamas.
I have no shame.
It seems things have changed a bit in the feminine products section since I last made a purchase. Of course, everything is a lot more expensive, but I was totally unprepared for the wide variety of feminine products available. Did y'all know they make a pad for thongs now?
It staggers the imagination.
Knowing I needed something industrial strength, I chose Always Extra Heavy Overnight with Flex Wings. I had no idea what Flex Wings were, and truthfully, still don't, but let me tell y'all: these things work.
In spite of the width and unbelievable 15 inch length of these things, they don't have that pillow-between-your-legs feeling like the old maxi pads. Those Flex Wings are wide and stay securely in place. I can testify that they're super-absorbent, because I coughed myself silly through many nights and never once had a leak. They shoulda used these things to soak up that Gulf Oil Spill. And the adhesive backing?
I was in the bathroom, having already peeled the plastic backing off one of these super-sized things, when I decided to go ahead and get my bath. Since I had just reused the new wrapper, I had nowhere to restick the new pad while I bathed. NOWHERE. What to do?
I stuck it to the wall.
Honestly, I intended to leave it there only as long as it would take me to get ready for the tub, but since it was still firmly affixed to the wall at that point, I thought, dang, that's some good adhesive, and just left it there. A long, relaxing, bubbly jacuzzi bath was just what the doctor had ordered for my various maladies, and when I emerged and had dried off, that thing was still stuck up there on the wall.
I mean, that's some really good adhesive.
Purely out of curiosity, I assure you, I resolved to test the adhesion of this thing by leaving it on the wall until it chose to fall off on its own.
I actually forgot all about it, but was reminded several hours later when Fred arrived home from work. He removed his coat, set down his lunchbox in the kitchen, and disappeared into the bathroom. Approximately 30 seconds later, I heard him call.
"What?" I called wearily, having just lain down on the couch.
"Come 'ere!" he hollered.
Remote in hand and three dogs already settled into place atop me, I had no intention of just hopping up and doing Fred's bidding. "Whadayou want?" I hollered back.
"Come HERE!" he insisted.
I reluctantly heaved myself off the couch, displacing three dogs who were none too happy about having been deposed so quickly, and shuffled in my fuzzy houseshoes to the bathroom door.
He was seated on the throne, carefully averting his eyes from my new work of art. "What is THAT?" he asked.
Suppressing a smile at his discomfiture, I said innocently, "What?"
"THAT," he said, pointing, but still avoiding direct eye contact.
"It's an Always Extra Heavy Overnight Maxi Pad with Flex Wings."
"I KNOW what it is, what's it doing there?"
"It's an experiment..." But he cut me off.
"Get it down."
"But I haven't finished the experiment..."
"Get it down."
"But it's just an innocent little..."
"Get it down."
I guess I couldn't blame him. After all, he's just a man.
But the Always Extra Heavy Overnight Maxi Pad with Flex Wings experiment goes on: I took another pad a few weeks later and stuck it to the back side of the closet door, away from Fred's line of sight.
It's been there nine days.
Dang, that's some really good adhesive.