Tuesday, March 15, 2011

NO BOYS ALLOWED!


Seriously, y'all, this is a story of experimentation best left to the imagination for any male readers out there.  Sorry, guys, but y'all just don't have the stomach for this subject.

What am I talking about?  Feminine products, that's what. 

Are all the boys gone now?  Good, we can get on with our story.

PRELUDE

Y'all might remember that from roughly mid December till February I was sick off and on with severe kidney infections, flu, and bronchitis.  And flu and bronchitis always leave that annoying deep hacking cough which just lingers on and on and on...   Add kidney infections to that, factor in age 50+, and you've just concocted yourself a recipe for the dreaded...urinary incontinence.

I'm not talking about a little leak here and there; I'm talking about some major gushing.  No puny little panty liner was gonna handle this, and I absolutely refused to buy a box of extra large Depends. 

So I went with the obvious solution: maxi pads.

Now, y'all, I went through an early menopause, but I was sure I still had some of those pads...somewhere.  Digging far back into the recesses of every bathroom cabinet and drawer, I found Tums, expiration date March 2003; a half-filled bottle of DayQuil, expiration date January 2008; a bag of cotton balls that exploded when I tugged at it; a McBride and the Ride bandana; a yellow Hot Wheels car, what I think was part of a Transformer, and a green roof slat from a set of Lincoln Logs; enough black and white buttons to make a good-sized mosaic cow; three unopened packs of Bic shavers and two of Q-Tips; my missing Carpenters' Christmas cassette tape; one Charlie Brown Christmas toe sock; dozens of Disney shampoos and hotel-sized soaps; and the instruction manual for a VCR that had died a slow, painful death about five years ago.

But no maxi pads.  So off to Dollar General Store I went in my coat thrown over my pajamas.

I have no shame.

It seems things have changed a bit in the feminine products section since I last made a purchase.  Of course, everything is a lot more expensive, but I was totally unprepared for the wide variety of feminine products available.   Did y'all know they make a pad for thongs now?

It staggers the imagination.

Knowing I needed something industrial strength, I chose Always Extra Heavy Overnight with Flex Wings.  I had no idea what Flex Wings were, and truthfully, still don't, but let me tell y'all: these things work.

In spite of the width and unbelievable 15 inch length of these things, they don't have that pillow-between-your-legs feeling like the old maxi pads. Those Flex Wings are wide and stay securely in place.  I can testify that they're super-absorbent, because I coughed myself silly through many nights and never once had a leak.  They shoulda used these things to soak up that Gulf Oil Spill.  And the adhesive backing?

IT STICKS.

THE EXPERIMENT

I was in the bathroom, having already peeled the plastic backing off one of these super-sized things, when I decided to go ahead and get my bath. Since I had just reused the new wrapper, I had nowhere to restick the new pad while I bathed.  NOWHERE.  What to do? 

I stuck it to the wall. 

Honestly, I intended to leave it there only as long as it would take me to get ready for the tub, but since it was still firmly affixed to the wall at that point, I thought, dang, that's some good adhesive, and just left it there.  A long, relaxing, bubbly jacuzzi bath was just what the doctor had ordered for my various maladies, and when I emerged and had dried off, that thing was still stuck up there on the wall.

I mean, that's some really good adhesive.

Purely out of curiosity, I assure you, I resolved to test the adhesion of this thing by leaving it on the wall until it chose to fall off on its own.

I actually forgot all about it, but was reminded several hours later when Fred arrived home from work.  He removed his coat, set down his lunchbox in the kitchen, and disappeared into the bathroom.  Approximately 30 seconds later, I heard him call.

"Ethel!"

"What?" I called wearily, having just lain down on the couch.

"Come 'ere!" he hollered.

Remote in hand and three dogs already settled into place atop me, I had no intention of just hopping up and doing Fred's bidding.  "Whadayou want?"  I hollered back.

"Come HERE!"  he insisted.

I reluctantly heaved myself off the couch, displacing three dogs who were none too happy about having been deposed so quickly, and shuffled in my fuzzy houseshoes to the bathroom door.

He was seated on the throne, carefully averting his eyes from my new work of art.  "What is THAT?"  he asked.

Suppressing a smile at his discomfiture, I said innocently, "What?"

"THAT," he said, pointing, but still avoiding direct eye contact.

"It's an Always Extra Heavy Overnight Maxi Pad with Flex Wings."

"I KNOW what it is, what's it doing there?"

"It's an experiment..."  But he cut me off.

"Get it down."

"But I haven't finished the experiment..."

"Get it down."

"But it's just an innocent little..."

"Get it down."

I guess I couldn't blame him.  After all, he's just a man.

But the Always Extra Heavy Overnight Maxi Pad with Flex Wings experiment goes on: I took another pad a few weeks later and stuck it to the back side of the closet door, away from Fred's line of sight.

It's been there nine days.

Dang, that's some really good adhesive.

45 comments:

  1. Ha!!!! I needed those pads...I was laughing so hard!! Ha!!!!
    Glad you found something that would work!
    Hugs
    Still laughing
    SueAnn

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  2. yeah, i skipped to the comment box after the warning, there are just some things i dont need to know...but i did want to say hi!

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  3. I can't stop laughing, especially because I know what you're talking about! I had a hysterectomy at 30, and then found myself in my 50s needing that bladder control pad - and you're right, it boggles the mind at what is available. I'm glad that you've done this experiment, because I now know which pad to get when I finish the five other brands and sizes that are under my sink. What I really hate is when the pad starts sliding backwards when the sticky gives up, and all you're left with is a tiny portion of the front end that gets all bunched up. Great post, girlfriend!

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  4. Hope your feeling better, still chuckling over your experiment....:-) Hugs

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  5. Oh Ethel!!! I've tears in my eyes from laughing so hard!

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  6. Oh that was hysterical! You are soo funny! Loved this post! I'll have to compare the price of those to the Poise pads I currentlyuse!

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  7. I just made a note to myself to read your blog in the mornings, they set the tone for a wonderful smile filled day. Also made a note to buy that brand. Poor Fred.

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  8. As a joke, some girls applied similar products to my son's car about six months ago and the adhesive is still there. Think I should let the company know how well their product works?

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  9. Men just don't appreciate a great experiment when they see it! Heeheehehe!!!

    Glory to goodness girl, I can't imagine what 'Farm Boy' would do.

    Ya have me rollin' here with big old laughin' tears in my eyes and I think I better grab a hankie and maybe an Always Extra Heave Overnight Maxi Pad!!! :o)

    Great post sweetie!

    God bless and have a wonderfully 'dry' day!!!

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  10. I know it's rude to laught over the misfortunes of others, but that's one funny story. Hope you're feeling better soon, Ethel.

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  11. How do you do it, Ethel? You tell a story so well, and what a funny story it is. Poor Fred. Did he know what he was getting into when he married you?

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  12. Oh my Goodness Ethel!!!! I LOVE THIS!!! Thank you so much-so needed this post and the laughs-we can so just be there for some things!! Have a great weekend!!!

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  13. Oh Ethel, you're hilarious. I was totally... ummm absorbed by your experiment. Thanks for the laughs, you nut! :)

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  14. You should've let Fred know that you were doing a little re-decorating. I'm impressed at your product endorsement skills. If the postal service doesn't work out, you can always work in Costco, selling those Extra Comfort Flex Wings to customers who look like they laugh and leak!

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  15. Ahahahaha!!! Believe it or not, I have stuck one of those things to the wall, too! And the same brand. I always used to use Always with wings. They were definitely the best brand, and yep, those suckers sure do stick!!

    Poor Fred. LOL!

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  16. This is priceless! I'm going to go back and read it again after I post my comment. It's just too good to only read once.

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  17. Pads to wear with thongs? You're kidding! lol I've GOT to look for them (out of curiosity) when my daughter needs her supply replenished.

    Hope I have the patience, because they seem to take up a half isle nowadays.

    And one more thing... Why do men call you to "come here." I found myself running to my husband with soapy dishwashing hands, only to have him show me something "funny" or a sport incident on TV. Had to put a stop to it years ago.

    Thanks for the laugh! EnJoy your weekend.

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  18. That was hilarious. I laughed out loud! Thank you!! hahahaha!!

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  19. New here and I am LOL! I just turned forty and have been using on of these http://www.divacup.com/ for years. I had not bought a pad in about 15 years. Two months ago I have my fallopian tubes removed and couldn't believe the assortment! Even the thick ones are not like the ones I started using as a teenager that were about 2 inches thick.


    Anyway, thanks for the laugh.

    PS - I love Lucy and collect I Love Lucy memorabilia. When i saw that you called yourself Ethel Mae Potter the first thought I have was "Ethel May Potter, we never forgot her". :-)

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  20. Hahaha! I laughed so much at this one. I can only imagine Fred's face! Too funny :-)

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  21. Oh, wow, was that ever hysterical and seriously it sounds like something I would do. Are we related somewhere in our Tennessee blood? What fun to read. By the way, I can't imagine a pad for a thong cause there's just nothing there. Sounds awfully uncomfortable. I think if I start to leak, I'll head straight to the Depends after reading this but if I need something on the lines of duct tape, I'll head to the feminine products. Oh and by the way, your comment about my turkey and his thoughts have given me a visual to die for. I blush now when I see him. Thanks as always for fantastic reading!

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  22. Just wanted you to know I linked to you and mentioned you in my blog entry today and I'm going to try how to figure out how to nominate this for Post of the Week. You always keep me laughing.

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  23. That was hilarious... I worked at Outward Bound for many years and we used to use them in our medical aid kits in case of severe lacerations needing major staunching... Even guys can indeed laugh at this, I guess (and thanks to Hilary for giving this POTW or I would never have found it)

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  24. What a great chuckle for the beginning of the day! Congrats on POTW!!

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  25. Great post... what a hoot! Poor Fred, just couldn't handle your little experiment, and they say girls are weak... hahahaha!

    BTW, congrats on POTW!

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  26. This is SO hysterical!!! Congrats on POTW, so well deserved!

    P.S. And I love the list of "stuff" you found in the closets.

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  27. The lengths some people will go to for the love of science! Funny post!!! You made me laugh!

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  28. It always amazes me how men react to a little pad of absorbent material. really guys, grow a pair.

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  29. I loved this!!
    made me laugh and nod in empathy
    congrats on POTW

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  30. Made me think what I could fix with those bad boys.

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  31. Hilarious! Fred obviously doesn't appreciate your scientific mind! Congrats on the POTW!

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  32. Just stopping back to congratulate you on your Post of the Week award!! Yay!!

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  33. Ethel, I'm another feller who couldn't resist the challenge to read your posting. Ha ha! I reckon the makers of that product ought to give you some financial recognition for what you have done for them! :-) - Dave P.S. Congrats for Hilary's POTW.

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  34. Hilarious! I have to tell you that I know from first-hand experience that this adhesive is very very sticky... If you get those wings caught in your pubic hairs... well, then you've got yourself a free Brazilian wax... (very painful)!

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  35. Oh Ethel, I love your take on life! This is so darn funny, I could see it all play out in my minds eye.. you slay me, girl!

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  36. Oh, Lord, I should have left when you advised me to do so...

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  37. Hahahahahahaha! I'm so glad i didn't miss this. I know what you mean about the coughing. Now, you have me thinking - I want to buy a box of the thong kind just so I can settle my curiosity. I wonder how long those stick!

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  38. Ethel Mae Potter, we never forgot her! LOL! It was a very funny episode. I love the little performance that goes on behind Ethel's back. Comedy was so simple and so funny back then wasn't it? I own all the seasons on DVD including 7, 8 & 9. (You can order them online. They are an hour each and all hilarious.) My favourite episode of all time is when Lucy & Ethel decide to raise chickens and the baby chicks get loose in the house. 500 baby chicks running around. What a hoot!
    Not many of us die-hard fans out there anymore. Kind of too bad.
    Did you know that Ethel was given 3 different middle names through the course of the show? Louise, Roberta, and Mae!

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  39. thanks for visiting my Elzabeth Taylor post
    TCM is showing many of her movies on April 10
    Cat on a Hot Tin Roof is being aired at 6 PM Eastern time :)

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  40. Y'all thanks for the terrific response to this post - a post I hesitated about putting up! My only regret is that I didn't tell this story to my niece before I'd posted, for she had the greatest line - when I asked her if she were aware of the pad for thongs, she said, "Yes, and it looks like a slice of pizza!"

    How's that for imagery?

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  41. I guess they've really made improvements to these things since I last purchased them - thankfully I no longer need them either. But I laughed and laughed at your post - the visual of Fred just keeps coming back.

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  42. It's a good thing I haven't yet reached the urinary incontinence stage, or I would have needed one of those thingies to keep myself from peeing my pants as I read this. Lol, lol, double lol. Good thing for Fred you haven't actually sent him to the store to buy you more supplies. It drives my husband nuts, because I'll send him out with instructions to get the super plus, for example, and then it turns out that the name isn't super plus, it's super maxi, or maxi plus or whatever. Then he freaks and calls me up and asks which one he's supposed to get, and I'm all "Well, I don't know. How many drops are there on the package?" Then it turns out there are no drops, only stars...and, well, you get the picture. I've never tried sticking one to the wall, though. I wonder what he'd say to that....

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  43. thank you for visiting my blog and i absolution love your story...good luck with the experiment :D

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  44. Ethel - You make me want to go out and buy some Always Extra Heavy Overnight Maxi Pad with Flex Wings just so I can try the experiment for myself. Next time I go to the grocery store, I'm going to have to peruse that isle again - I haven't had to go down it in YEARS!

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Much as I love and appreciate awards, I can no longer accept awards with attached meme's. But please, leave a comment!

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